Poetry

Well then,
I suppose some questions
Are not to be asked.
A sort of unwritten rule
To keep us safe, maybe.
Although I doubt we’ve ever
Been concerned much with our safety;
Maybe when we flew to the stars
But not when we climbed a tree.
Today I’ve discovered such a question
Akin to flying to the stars
And I absolutely mustn’t, mustn’t
Ever, ever ask it.
But don’t you want to know?
Here it is:
Whose permission
Are you waiting for?

Nothing is missing in this house;
Not a plate or fork or cushion.
Even things I never cared for are here
Alongside things I care for the most.
Not the dog we’ve always wanted
Or the cat I vetoed way too soon.
It’s all here. All of it. All the time.
The cold and the warm things
And so much of the inbetween,
Moments that somehow became
A force to be reckoned with.
I couldn’t count them all in a lifetime.
It’s as if the Big Bang happens
Every second of every minute
I’m in this space with you.
Nowhere else is quite as magical.
A place to rival dreams.
Ours.

Thing is
I don’t really know how
I’m just gliding through,
And it’s not as if I ever
Dreamed or planned anything
That looks like this.
Every day is just …steady.
I love the gentle stillness
You wrap me in alongside
The freedom to exist
Unaltered and in full view.
I realise now
I never needed wings.

It’s never that easy at the start
But once you do and do again
It gets much easier to just ask.
People may still let you down
And you’re right – it’s often better
To just do things ourselves.
That doesn’t mean alone though.
Invite them to watch if nothing else:
“I’m going to do this with or without
Your help” kind of thing!
Who knows, people might just
Surprise you. They often do.

Today I give you permission
To be absolutely as you are.
Go ahead and be tired,
Take it very, very slow.
Make a big dent in the sofa
And scroll your phone
Till your eyes can’t bear it.
Go ahead and be fed up,
Scream into your pillow
Or just take it easy guilt-free.
Whatever it is, it can wait.
You never needed it
And you never will;
Not from me, anyway.
But just in case.

I wish I knew what to say
But I just don’t.
And I know how much
You need to hear
One of my dad jokes
So you can laugh
And call me an idiot.
Or anything about my day
So you can listen for a second
And then wonder back
To that irresistible sorrow.
Let me just sit here,
In your pocket. Silent.
Go for it. I promise it’s OK
If I ever hear you cry.

Don’t you just sparkle today
As if you eat all the ice cream,
And all the cookies in the jar.
And you’re five. And cheeky.
With a steady, frozen grin,
Mischief in your eyes,
So shamelessly claiming
So what?!
So what.
So you.

You promised me
That white picket fence
And told me unless
And I did work harder.
A promise of a dream
Uncorrupted, far reaching,
across thousands of miles
And cities, maybe millions.
A third way in and the best
I’ve seen is the worst I’ve seen
And no where near to
Ideal, family, security.
That hopeful promise.
Tell me now, did you lie,
Did you rob us blind,
Or was it all just a dream?

A great expanse of time
Has recently unfolded
And an emptiness followed.
Suddenly, things didn’t come
With deadlines or appointments.
It was all too fluid, too loose.
Enough to scare the bones,
A bounty of loneliness.
Beyond finishing the day
Goals felt absurd and lifeless
And every day folded
With careless nonchalance,
As if it was mocking me.
It was the time to be
For the sake of those bones
About half way into their use.
It sneaked in ever so suddenly,
That freedom.

There is a dawn
Fast approaching
Where all that bullshit
Just doesn’t float
Anymore.
I meet you at this dawn
Of a new vision
For what it truly means
To create, to feel,
To have value.
Beyond your pretense
And from deep within,
Right here, I am
Other than hidden.